Skip to main content

This is a diagnosis of cancer.

I was standing in the stairwell at the office, I think.

Or had I paced back to my desk? Actually, I was back at my desk now that I think of it, because I was taking notes as Dr. Powell, in his super-calm way was talking.

He didn't use any of the usual words you normally hear when people talk about breast cancer. So I had to ask, "can you tell how serious or advanced it is?" He said it was "unusual." He explained that it was squamous cell carcinoma. (I think my note I spelled it squeesma. Now unfortunately it's a word I say a lot.) This, he said, may be a metastatic cancer. Very rare for squamous cell carcinomas to be primary in the breast. 

Dr. Powell said he would not want to say anything about treatment, "I diagnose, I do not treat." So that was that! He put his assistant Mary on the phone (sweet, treasure she is, she's the daughter of a close friend at work), and she had already scheduled my appointment with the breast surgeon. Which was today. 

This is a diagnosis of cancer. That was August 2nd. 

Then the internet happened. By the next day I was convinced that every single twitch, itch, headache, or sneeze was cancer everywhere. Like I was wearing a cancer suit. And the appointment wasn't until the 11th. What if this 9 days MATTERS in the end?

So, when a friend suggested calling the surgeon's office to ask if there were any tests we could get done NOW to get ahead of it, I said YES, I'm doing that. After talking it all through with the nurse, I realized, I really don't have any symptoms other than this huge, painful lump in my body! In the end the surgeon did order the MRI, and at least I had something on the calendar.

I'll admit it. I'm having trouble praying about this. I don't know what to ask for. Do I ask for a miracle? I think other people need miracles more than me. Do I ask for it to not hurt? Jesus was tortured and executed. Do I ask for it to "turn out okay?" Who knows what that even is. 

Until I figure that part out, I just pray for people I love, people I don't, estranged family, complete strangers, hurting people, hungry people. These are things I know how to pray for. 




Labels:

Comments

  1. Karen Edmisten August 16, 2016 at 9:05 AM

    Sometimes, in times of fear, confusion, crisis, all I am able to pray is the name of Jesus, or "Jesus, I trust in Thee," or the Memorare. I love that you are praying for others. What an amazing heart you have. I'm praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Polly KingAugust 16, 2016 at 5:40 PM

      I feel extremely humbled and grateful for your prayers, Karen. Yes, the Memorare is one of my go-tos. I love that we have this treasury of prayers that just flow out when we're scared and can't think up something on our own. I'm praying for you too. Peace. Polly

      Delete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

This Year I'll Try Harder (To Stop Trying so Hard): A Reflection on my Prayer for 2025

On any given morning, it is my habit to go for about a 10-minute pre-dawn walk outside, starting my day in prayer or at least in gratitude for having woken up. It is usually “rain or dark,” but there are times, like yesterday morning, when it’s coming down in sheets, and I just don’t do it. But since I think it helps me physically and spiritually to move my body and pray before I really start my day, I have an alternate routine that involves my rosary and a mini-trampoline. So that was my choice on December 31, the last day of 2024. When I got to the intentions of my rosary, I mentally went through the list of things I’ve been praying for off and on for a few months now, but stopped short and thought, since this is the last day of 2024, maybe I should consider something new for 2025. And what came to me was to pray for an increase in the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. I have asked God to help me increase in these virtues off and on in ‘24, and it was fruitful (rimshot). But life happens an...
Post a Comment
Read more

May I Have a Word: The Case for Saying What We Mean

By a show of hands, how many times have you used these phrases, in conversation, on social media, in email communications, or in chocolate syrup on a pancake? Don’t Judge Right? You Need To Friends, my hand is way up there. Don’t judge me for pointing this out. These are common phrases, and we’ve all used them, right? You need to read on to see why these words have become a problem. Now that I have gotten that out of my system, let me say that I am working hard to eliminate all these very common and seemingly well-meaning words and phrases from my vocabulary. I’m not usually one to wave the banner and try and get people to join me, but this time I think I am. Lately, it feels like we have become very lazy in how we express ourselves. It’s like the shortcut version of actual communication. Verbal texting. But, there is more about these five phrases that has been sticking in my craw. I’ve been binge-watching movie adaptations of Shakespeare's plays. His words demand attention—every l...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mood Swings, Moisturizer, and Minute Rice: I'm Trying Stuff in January

Most Januarys I spend a little time thinking about how I do things, what products I use, and what I might want to change. It’s not exactly about making “resolutions” because I know some of these changes will stick and some won’t—and that’s okay. I think it’s more a matter of long, cold, dark winter days giving my mind too much time to wander. In the grayest corners of my brain, ideas come and go, and I start experimenting with little things that catch my interest. Most of these experiments are so mundane I don’t even mention them to Bob anymore. I’ve seen that glazed-over look enough to know better. But once in a while, I think maybe some of these things are worth sharing—or at least good for a laugh. So here’s a non-recurring, possibly non-useful list of things I’m trying this year. Mood and Energy Tracker I’ve been thinking about health and wellness lately—hardly surprising in January with all the “New Year New You” messaging out there. It’s like annual mind control. This year I dec...
Post a Comment
Read more