Skip to main content

MRI

It started out fine, like most days. 


I had coffee, did the daily readings, the daily examen, prayed, played the puzzle game with Riley. Just
a normal morning. I even felt very human and grown up getting my things around to get ready to drive myself to the place for the thing that I only knew was going to be LOUD. By myself. I was very aware of the painful tumor, but trying to ignore it.

I went out the garage door to throw my things in the car and let Riley out one last time before leaving. For whatever reason, the neighbor's two St. Bernards didn't like how close Riley was getting to the road, and they charged. They're both wearing invisible fence collars, so I watched the first one get to the boundary and stop short. Whew. That was close. I called Riley, and by the time I looked back to see if he was following me, both Bernards were in the front yard facing off with my little dog. The screaming started. This was happening. I was going to watch my dog die and then have to leave because: cancer. Riley started growling, the larger of the two dogs came at him. Riley circled the huge dog and "herded" him back to their yard. (I actually was stunned when I heard the big dog yip.) I finally got Riley back in the house, but by this time I was totally shattered.

Then I got in the car. I tried my best to calm down but it was too late. Then traffic. I'm not any good at driving in traffic and even less so when I'm shaking like a leaf. Reality was, there was no other option. I could not just quit, stay home, cancel the appointment, or chicken out in any way. So I got myself there. But it was ugly.

I won't lie, I was a wreck. Every nurse, every tech, everyone in the lobby even, could see it. (Could they also see this huge lump? Hard not to feel like you're walking around transparent at times like that.)

Then: more paperwork, large waiting room, small waiting room, gown, bathroom, locker, MRI room. The nurse had walked me through step-by-step what would happen and how it would work. Lots of short 2-3 minute pictures, then one all-important one that would be 7 minutes long. That one was for all the marbles. Move one bit and you have to come back. I said about 300 Hail Marys (maybe a slight exaggeration but I wonder), the Undoer of Knots Prayer, the Memorare, a bunch of Our Fathers, and then wished I could have asked to hold a prayer card (next time). I managed to not move during the 7 minute stretch (were they lying? it felt much longer), but I was so tensed up, my arms hurt for 2 days.

End result of this MRI is: I don't have cancer in the other breast. Is it kind of a letdown? Yes. I wanted more information or reassurance. "Polly, you do not have cancer in your lymph nodes either! Celebrate!"

But. The dog did NOT die. I got myself there. The MRI was not fun but I didn't have to go back. Turns out cancer is not proof that God hates me. It could be proof he loves me.





Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

This Year I'll Try Harder (To Stop Trying so Hard): A Reflection on my Prayer for 2025

On any given morning, it is my habit to go for about a 10-minute pre-dawn walk outside, starting my day in prayer or at least in gratitude for having woken up. It is usually “rain or dark,” but there are times, like yesterday morning, when it’s coming down in sheets, and I just don’t do it. But since I think it helps me physically and spiritually to move my body and pray before I really start my day, I have an alternate routine that involves my rosary and a mini-trampoline. So that was my choice on December 31, the last day of 2024. When I got to the intentions of my rosary, I mentally went through the list of things I’ve been praying for off and on for a few months now, but stopped short and thought, since this is the last day of 2024, maybe I should consider something new for 2025. And what came to me was to pray for an increase in the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. I have asked God to help me increase in these virtues off and on in ‘24, and it was fruitful (rimshot). But life happens an...
Post a Comment
Read more

May I Have a Word: The Case for Saying What We Mean

By a show of hands, how many times have you used these phrases, in conversation, on social media, in email communications, or in chocolate syrup on a pancake? Don’t Judge Right? You Need To Friends, my hand is way up there. Don’t judge me for pointing this out. These are common phrases, and we’ve all used them, right? You need to read on to see why these words have become a problem. Now that I have gotten that out of my system, let me say that I am working hard to eliminate all these very common and seemingly well-meaning words and phrases from my vocabulary. I’m not usually one to wave the banner and try and get people to join me, but this time I think I am. Lately, it feels like we have become very lazy in how we express ourselves. It’s like the shortcut version of actual communication. Verbal texting. But, there is more about these five phrases that has been sticking in my craw. I’ve been binge-watching movie adaptations of Shakespeare's plays. His words demand attention—every l...
Post a Comment
Read more

Mood Swings, Moisturizer, and Minute Rice: I'm Trying Stuff in January

Most Januarys I spend a little time thinking about how I do things, what products I use, and what I might want to change. It’s not exactly about making “resolutions” because I know some of these changes will stick and some won’t—and that’s okay. I think it’s more a matter of long, cold, dark winter days giving my mind too much time to wander. In the grayest corners of my brain, ideas come and go, and I start experimenting with little things that catch my interest. Most of these experiments are so mundane I don’t even mention them to Bob anymore. I’ve seen that glazed-over look enough to know better. But once in a while, I think maybe some of these things are worth sharing—or at least good for a laugh. So here’s a non-recurring, possibly non-useful list of things I’m trying this year. Mood and Energy Tracker I’ve been thinking about health and wellness lately—hardly surprising in January with all the “New Year New You” messaging out there. It’s like annual mind control. This year I dec...
Post a Comment
Read more